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‘Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth’ (1992) Movie Review

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An investigative reporter must send the newly unbound Pinhead and his legions back to Hell.

After getting his ass kicked…I know, don’t get me started…Pinhead is trapped in grotesque pillar, unable to escape or return to his own hellish dimension. Luckily for Pinhead, human excess and greed are never too far away. If you liked the firs two films, you should chalk it up to a victory and quit while you’re ahead, otherwise, you’ll be forced to survive this piece of shit franchise dud.

Our bad guy in round three of this disintegrating horror failure is young playboy, J.P.(Kevin Bernhardt), a pompous douchebag with a yearning for hot, young girls, and he goes through them like Chad Kroeger goes through Mel Bay Guitar for Beginners books. Every Hellraiser flick needs a self-important excess lover for Pinhead to work efficiently. J.P. is looking for the dry spot on the bed when his true nature comes out. Bored with his latest lay, he tells his latest piece of ass to basically shut up and get the hell out. Shocked, the young girl gets a little too close to the Pinhead pillar and becomes dinner. Starting with the first kill, it’s nothing but hooks and over-the-top stupidity. This doesn’t age like a fine wine or cellar beer, it has the lasting impact of an open can of Miller Lite. Things don’t improve from there.

Meet our protagonist, Joey (Terry Farrell), an investigative reporter with horror flick required baggage. She forms a bond with another lost soul, Terri (Paula Marshall), and gives the film a thin reason to convert one of them into a new Cenobite. Old school fans will be pissed off and disappointed at the sheer stupidity and loose membership requirements in the new Cenobite world. The film features the next “logical” step in a franchise like this; creating a slew of new and terrible Cenobites. Some of them have tag lines like Freddy Krueger, and deliver lines like (I shit you not) “Time for your close-up!” This is right before a telescoping camera lens shoots out of a new Cenobite’s face, creating a well-ventilated human head. This is not a Kodak moment.

Barker and longtime collaborator, Peter Atkins, once again take responsibility for a terrible script. I’ll never understand how a respected author/filmmaker allows something like this to happen to his legacy, let alone takes an active part in it. I can think of no reason to suggest you watch this.

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About Fister Roboto (2182 Articles)
Just ring it up with the dong tea...

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