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[EMF] Effing Metal Friday: Spandex Edition 5.30.14


Oh, don’t roll your eyes at me. Every metal head I know loved them some cheesy hair metal back in the day. Listen, man, this is a judgement-free zone. I listened to Dokken obsessively a couple of weeks back, but you don’t hear me trying to cover it up. Metal is all about roots, and you have to recognize these bands, even if only as a moment of passing nostalgia. For every Iron Maiden (who were awfully fond of spandex) we had ten Faster Pussycats or twenty Warrants- that’s just the way it was. Today, metal has, thank God, evolved a dozen times over since the sock-stuffing, Aqua Net days of the 80s. I’m positive you’ll never find Opeth or Gojira decked in hot pink tights, but, hey, this is America and it takes all kinds.

So, with that out there, let’s check out some of my favorite music from back in the day. I included the very contemporary Steel Panther (see featured image) because they embody the best things about old school metal/hard rock AND they can play.

Did you know Twisted Sister front man, Dee Snider, stood up to Tipper Gore’s PMRC in an actual senate subcommittee meeting? He fought hard for lyrical rights and was joined by Frank Zappa and John Denver.

Metal guitarists, you’re lying if you say this main riff sucks. Warren was pretty bad ass back in the day.

Dokken guitarist, George Lynch appears to be playing a guitar strung with chains in this video. Pretty metal for a dude in eyeliner and hairspray. Surprisingly, Don Dokken rose to the rank of black belt before the end of the video.

Iron Maiden…my first real metal concert. While my Dad is still deaf from the experience, I still love these Brits to this day. Speaking of Frank Zappa, Maiden are huge fans of the frontier artist.

Some kid was just bitching to me about WASP earlier in the week. I wonder if he sold 12 million record like WASP?

Holy shit. I haven’t heard this song or seen the video since like 1990. I’ll give it to Great White, they put out some great 80’s rock that helped in the removal of panties. Hard rock ballads + Purple Passion = panties off.

Remember Keel? That makes two of us. Three if you count the first girl the Purple Passion/Great White thing worked on.

Krokus. Man, these guys seemed liked they were 50 even back in the early 80s. A couple of these dudes could still pass as my hippie uncle. If you can make it to the even 5:00 minute mark, I promise you’ll be rewarded with one of the best dramatic pauses by any singer in any heavy band ever in the world. A+ for a deafening lack of self-awareness.

I was convinced Motley Crue were legit Satanists or something after getting a copy of Shout at the Devil. Turns out they were just really into chicks. Random fact: I just watched an episode of Ghost Adventures that featured Vince Neil as a “special investigator”.

I’m metal enough to admit I owned this record. I didn’t learn their riffs or anything, but this was another Panties Off song for me. Here’s an interesting fact about Whitesnake….I can’t lie, there are no interesting facts about Whitesnake.

Steel Panther are the most over-the-top 80’s band ever; they’re just stuck in the wrong decade.

Check in next Friday when Metal Matt will be back with his second official EMF! He’s really into some band called Dangerous Toys or something.







About Fister Roboto (2239 Articles)
Just ring it up with the dong tea...

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