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True Blood “Radioactive” Season Finale Review

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Just when you think there isn’t a formerly cool show worse than Dexter, True Blood Season Six shook its tits into our lives. Maypoles? Wtf, True Blood. My biggest issue with the series is that it seems to think it’s a real show. Personally, I think the first season was the only good one, but five years hasn’t dissuaded the residents of Bon Temps. This is technically a review, but it’s mostly me mentioning how laughable this finale was.

What kind of self-respecting vampire series would dare have a scene of sun-kissed vamps playing a game of volleyball to The Breeders’ hit, Cannonball? Maybe it’s cheeky, but nonetheless moronic. So, Warlow was a bad guy after all? Shocking. His hybrid wedding plans for Sookie only lasted so long before Sookie, Jason, and the special effects from The Friighteners intervened. Staked through the heart and adding to the laundry list of people who died in Sookie’s kitchen, the mysterious vampire lord vanished as quickly as he appeared. The newly re-emerged Niall proves timing is everything. Such an idiotic death wasn’t as easy at it sounds. This took a little work from Jason, Bill, Violent, and Andy as they convinced Adelyn to use her fairy light to crossover to Warlow’s plane long enough to rescue the constantly in peril Sookie. Hooray.

Well, True Blood, you did manage to show me one scene I never expected: seeing Eric’s resistance to sunlight wear off on top of a glacier, using his penis for a wick. Bravo. If anyone deserves to live on this show, it’s Eric, and I think we know with Pam’s departure – Eric is going to return in season seven. Not so much as a word before his possibly implied true death? He’s coming back and Pam will be his hero. The Pam/Eric combo is pretty much the show’s only consistently cool feature.

After the finale prematurely peaked, a bunch of other crap happened. Let’s go to bullet points because I really want to go outside and read.

Six months later:

Sookie and Alcide are dating. Wasn’t he glamored for the sole purpose of staying away from Sookie? I don’t think Eric dying and releasing his will from the wolf is implied – that’s too forward thinking for this series. Anyway, Sookie’s been passed around like a bottle of Boone’s Farm at a high school kegger, so why would anyone want to date her? Hep-V might be a D-List disease compared to what’s lurking south of Rogue’s* border.

Jason is Violet’s sex slave who isn’t allowed to nail her. Sookie isn’t the only Stackhouse with enough supernatural herpes to infect all of spring break.

Sam is apparently the mayor of Bon Temps and Merlotte’s is now called Bellefleur’s and Arlene owns it. People switch roles every half season on True Blood, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Jessica is a nun next season. Maybe Lafayette goes straight and starts a metal band. Who’s to say.

Bill is a popular author who publishes his memoirs. It happened before, it was called The Vampire Lestat and Bill is no Lestat de Lioncourt.

In the end we learn that humans and vamps are now being paired up to keep the threat of Hep V-infected bloodsuckers. The finale wraps with a shot of mangy, infected vamps descending upon the revery at Bellefleur’s. Congrats, you survive the series finale and this devil may give a shit review.

*It’s an X-Men reference; buy a comic for God’s sake

About Fister Roboto (2239 Articles)
Just ring it up with the dong tea...

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