Yo, yo, yo, ‘Merica! They say it yo’ burfday! *ahem* Sorry. Hello, America, looks like it’s time for another birthday. I didn’t get you a card, but I did make this list of highly patriotic activities to celebrate your special day in style.
1. Crush a beer can while blasting AC/DC’s Shoot to Kill. Done.
2. Build a ladder to Heaven.
3. Something involving sports.
4. Drink beer.
5. Blow up a small part of America with illegally obtained fireworks. “Not legal in Kentucky.” Pffffft.
6. Put a boot up someone’s ass. Blasting Toby Keith isn’t required, but I feel it really gives it that Je ne sais quoi.
7. Tell stories about the good ol days. Make sure to say “Grandpappy” a bunch.
8. Order a 114 ounce soda at a fast food joint. It’s literally the least you can do.
9. Alienate a bunch of kids by telling them why Captain America really “stood for something” when you were young. Kids love hearing how their version of shit sucks.
10. Two words: Monster trucks.
Lists are great, everyone loves a good list, but people love a good ‘Merica slideshow even more.