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Guess Who’s Seeing ‘The Lords of Salem’ on Friday?

the-lords-of-salem-logo

Duh, me. Who the hell did you think I was going to say? Joel Osteen? It makes me nervous when I hear the phrase “opening to a limited release” or, “This isn’t showing anywhere near me.” is what I hear. Thank God the local multiplex has already provided my anxious hands a ticket via Fandango. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but I’m obsessed with this film. If it sucks, man, I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe shut this place down and start a celebrity gossip site. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. I could dedicate this site to nothing but Alison Brie…hmmmm.

The Lords of Salem is metal master Rob Zombie’s latest original film and I think it looks amazing. I’ve been staying away from spoilers, but I keep hearing “It isn’t what you think it will be.” I think I’m safe as far as perception goes because I’m approaching this film in a true tabula rasa state – you should too. It’s a safe bet that it won’t feel like the RZ version of Halloween 2. If you somehow missed this intriguing synopsis, here goes:

Heidi, a radio DJ, is sent a box containing a record — a “gift from the Lords.” The sounds within the grooves trigger flashbacks of her town’s violent past. Is Heidi going mad, or are the Lords back to take revenge on Salem, Massachusetts?

The film stars Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeffrey Phillips, Ken Foree, Patricia Quinn, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Judy Gleeson, Meg Foster, and Griffin Boice.

The film opens…in limited release on Friday, April 19. Ladies and gentlemen, start your horror boners. Look back on Friday or Saturday for my review – I may end up going to a second viewing on Saturday morning just to approach my review accurately. Hey, it’s all for you, internet.

“Satan! Come to us!”

About Fister Roboto (2194 Articles)
Just ring it up with the dong tea...

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