Even Caucasian internet Jesus hates Nickelback. Our least favorite “rockers” didn’t have a new album this year. Their last album, however, has created a Suck Vortex that pushed some of their 2011 suck into this year. Scientists agree that the suck is likely to carry over to 2013, which is a mere five and half hours away. Not only have Nickelback shattered the illusion of linear time travel*, but now early reports claim the bands’ relationship with Satan ended earlier this month when Chad Kroeger’s poem, “Tyin’ My Own Shoes Now “, reportedly made the devil sob uncontrollably. The band ditched the Dark Lord, swearing allegiance to the future Lovecraftian birth to arise from Kanye and Kim. If you’re up to date on your Necronomicon and Dianetics readings, then you know this is the child foretold of in the book of N’Raryl’eh. I hope this happens AFTER The Lords of Salem is released.
*Details were uncovered when a 1978 Nickelback 8 track tape was found during a recent NASA time travel experiment. This is most commonly known as “Are You Fucking Kidding Me with This, Nickelback? Incident”. – Source NickelWiki
Nickelback related injuries in the news this month:
Chicago, Il. Duane Newman, 29, leaped to his death when a friend tampered with Newman’s iPod, replacing most of his music library with Nickelback. A neighbor claimed he saw Newman step into the apartment building’s 10th floor hallway, push play on his iPod, and then convulsed violently before the man got to his feet and dove out of the window. His “friend” later took his own life with a small firearm.
San Diego, CA. More bad news for the California Wine Enthusiasts when their annual funfest at the Beckman Rd. Holiday Inn was interrupted by an unidentified girl in a Phish t-shirt. She was heard screaming “They gave me Nickelback blotter!! Chad Kroeger’s face was on this hit of acid!” Before starting a blazing three alarm fire at the buffet table, this disturbed drug user punched several patrons wearing name badges from Napa Valley, unable to distinguish Napa from Nickel.