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Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012) Movie Review

Article by FisterRoboto of lefthandhorror.com

Written by Declan O’Brien and Alan B. McElroy

Directed by Declan O’Brien

Starring: Doug Bradley, Camilla Arfwedson and Simon Ginty

A small West Virginia town is hosting the legendary Mountain Man Festival on Halloween, where throngs of costumed party goers gather for a wild night of music and mischief. But an inbred family of hillbilly cannibals kills the fun when they trick and treat themselves to a group of visiting college students.

WT5, just in time for…Tuesday? You never see a movie like this on the day it’s released, unless by accident. It just happened to be available, so don’t judge. WT5 is a patchwork horror film composed of blood, gore, bizarre kills, nudity, and moronic villains. It sticks to the garden variety horror template, content to gross out instead of tell a story. Seriously though, who watches this kind of movie without a clue as to its raw mediocrity? I hope I haven’t dashed your hopes of this being the next Rosemary’s Baby. I should add that some of the protagonists are en route to a hippie jam band festival, something I know a thing or two about, so I was mildly entertained to see some patchouli-dabbing, chronic-smoking kids get butchered.

I feel pretty confident my street cred is at a new low already, so I might as well confess to enjoying the last WT flick. It was mindless fare as well, but the movie had a great setting and I loved the snowy ambiance. WT5 believes itself to be a real movie, and that’s where the disconnect is. I hated the cannibal hillbillies this time; I realize you’re supposed to, but I mean hated in the annoying sense. Please stop giggling while you’re murdering people, it just gets on my nerves. A menacing look or garbled command is all I need, so please STFU. This movie will appeal to some people, so don’t write it off yet. If you’re into not having your legs smashed with sledgehammers, keeping your ears attached and uneaten, avoiding industrial lawnmower accidents – you might be a fan.

Strangely out-of-place is Hellraisers Pinhead (or Doug Bradley as he prefers to be called) as the inbred commander-in-chief. Even in this idiotic mountain setting, Bradley sounds a little too regal and talented to be involved. He calls his murderous oafs “Pinheads”, and I’m sure that was the high point of the flick for me. All things considered, the lamest part of this Tardapalooza was the Sheriff (Camilla Arfwedson), who I hope never “acts” again. She played her part with an ineptitude rare for even this fifth-rate horror runoff. Hey, if you’re at a Halloween party and it’s on – enjoy. If you aren’t a movie reviewer, just pass on this deformed train wreck. Three deformed inbred thumbs down.

About Fister Roboto (2192 Articles)
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4 Comments on Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012) Movie Review

  1. I stopped watching after the 2nd one, lol. Speaking of hippies and the such, did you watch that David Arquette flick? I think it was called “Tripper”?

  2. chrisbaron42 // October 28, 2012 at 7:32 pm // Reply

    This movie is so bad that I think that the straight to DVD release was too good for it. This movie is billed as a prequel to the original, but since it doesn’t have anything in common besides a few characters I don’t think that is fair. Really it is just a random D-grade slasher flick with fake looking gore and zero story. I heard about this movie from a coworker at DISH who recommended it for Halloween. It seemed appropriate so I added it to my Blockbuster @Home queue, and it came in the mail today. I am really glad that I can take it back to the store and exchange it for something else because this would just be embarrassing to show at my Halloween party. I need to find movie people haven’t seen, but they actually should.

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