Halloween and Fall, with all their beauty and inherent evil are a double-edged sword. One second you’re watching The Devil’s Rejects and sipping a stout – five minutes later you’re watching Martha Stewart “spook” up some traditional New England seasonal nuts or some shit. Pass. Pass so hard. Get to the 13 days of Halloween and freaking eight hour Ghost Adventures marathons in the middle of the night. Let’s see what we can completely rule out of my October horror articles.
1. Effing Halloween cupcake ideas. While I find all the clever uses of ground up Oreo Cookies and bloody looking icing just as cool as the next half-drunk Halloween party attendee – I just don’t care. Regular orange and black cupcakes would have impressed me. Relax, no offense to the horror bloggers of the world “bringing [fill in the blank] to horrific life” in desert form.
2. Halloween Arts & Crafts. “Oh, Susan, its beautiful! A furry spider made of pipe cleaners and yarn. You are such an inspiration!” Incorrect. You are an inspiration to no one. Well, maybe to weird Gordon that you babysit on Thursdays. He loved that damn skeleton key chain made of Smarties.
3. Pet Costumes. Wrong. I saw this photo and I take back anything unkind I’ve ever said about pet costumes. This dog is a total boss.
4. Complaining about slutty Halloween costumes. Let it shine, dark skanks of the underworld…it’s your night.
5. Fancy Jack O’ Lantern carving. Nope. Ain’t happening. All I want my pumpkin to do is share its warm orange glow from the top of my entertainment center. It’s all about the atmosphere that lit gourd produces, I don’t need to see scenes from freaking King Tut’s Tomb or the Death Star. If you have the patience – hey, go nuts. I’ll be over here carving the same design that I’ve carved every year since the 70’s. The classics never fade out of gloomy style. My design is perfect, no changes or updates could ever improve its simple genius.