Well, kids, it’s nearly fall again, and with Halloween comes my free public service announcement. This time we’re exploring the dark topic of ghost rapes. We’ve all come close to an unwanted spectral visitor. You’re probably wondering how you put yourself at risk. Believe it or not, the number one reason American’s are ghost raped is from breaking email forward chains. Those chains warn you explicitly that breaking the chain will send impending trouble your way. My best advice is to just send that shit. Pick ten people you either want to annoy or entertain, and forward it on. I don’t care if it’s a pro-Mitt Romney email or your standard good luck forward.
Actual footage of a ghost rape. “Tina”, 25 years old, received an email forward chain promising Bill Gates would send everyone a dollar for every email forwarded. It also came with a dire warning. Don’t forward it and you’ll wake up with a spider tattoo on your ass. No big deal, right? Wrong. “Tina’s” ghost was not only a rapist in his actual life, but he was also sexually aroused by spiders. “Tina” is still in therapy and forwarding Bill Gates emails to fund the hopeful tattoo removal.
Remember that forwarding the email is key in avoiding unwanted ghost rapes, but you can decrease your chances with a little smart living.
1. Avoid the rapist cemetery. I know it shaves ten minutes off your midnight walk, but ultimately you’re going to get gang ghost raped, and it will ruin your evening. Take it from me, I mean, take it from this unrelated story I read on the internet.
2. The old ghost rape district is not a cool place to be after dark. You’re better off by the abandoned warehouse where all those kids died.
3. Don’t tempt fate. People get intoxicated and yell out things like “Oh, yeah, well if I’m wrong, then a ghost can rape me.” Most ghosts take that as a personal challenge. Trust me.
4. Hang out with ugly people. You’d think the perceived anonymity of being dead would loan itself to raping ugly people with no ghoulish discernment, but no, ghosts also refer hot victims.
5. Watch The Entity. If this doesn’t discourage you, well, you’ve practically begged for it.
Listen, guys, ghost rapes are not romantic. I can tell a few of you are thinking “Hmmm, ghost rape, eh? Sounds easy and painless – and no one will ever know.” First off, it’s not easy or painless. Being dead doesn’t magically erase the awkward moment right before the rape starts. Secondly, ghosts are famous for raping and telling. There’s a rumor that ghostrape.com is a forum for the internet trolls of the afterlife. They might be talking about their favorite touring drug band like The Disco Biscuits, but they’re also telling everyone who they raped. So, listen, ladies, watch which midnight cemetery trip you’re going on. You don’t want to end up on ghostrape.com’s “Just Raped” section. I assure you that scoobiedont420 will share all his intimate and ectoplasm-soaked tales for the entire internets.
Well, I’m done preaching to you. Here’s some ghost rape victims you might recognize.
Chad Kroeger, “singer/guitarist” for Nickelback. Raped backstage at Boston Gardens by the ghost of Grateful Dead’s, Pigpen. Some reports suggest Chad wasn’t fighting it as much as he could. Honestly, all the reports reflect that.
Fred Durst, vocalist for the Grammy winning, hard-hitting, progressive metal band, Limp Bikzit, was raped in his trailer just last week. Some message boards report the rape to be totally random, and that he was “Just some asshole in a trailer.”
Mel Gibson, gentleman and acting phenom, was raped every year on his birthday until he was 34. The ghost claimed Mel was a selfish lover and closeted matzo ball fan.
Every member of Kiss, but especially Gene Simmons. Getting your face on a 1970’s vintage lunchbox came with a terrible price. Cut them some slack, everyone. The only other option for such fame was to practice hard and write great songs. We’re just being realistic, calm down, all you sensitive Kiss fans.
This concludes our community service of making you more aware of ghost rapes this fall season. Try not to think of Tate Langdon when you go to bed tonight.