2012 is finally here, and with it comes a torrent of terrible horror movies. Hopefully, I can steer you in the right direction and you can avoid the trendy, brainless, genre-exhausted movies that are sure to be crawling out of the darkness as I type.* Stay tuned often for the next round of horror. Doesn’t Nickelback have a Blu Ray coming out sometime soon?
*Fister Roboto is not a psychic and therefore the awesomeness of the following movies is 100% subjective.
1/6 The Devil Inside
In 1989, emergency responders received a 9-1-1 call from Maria Rossi (Suzan Crowley) confessing that she had brutally killed three people. 20 years later, her daughter Isabella (Fernanda Andrade) seeks to understand the truth about what happened that night. She travels to the Centrino Hospital for the Criminally Insane in Italy where her mother has been locked away to determine if her mother is mentally ill or demonically possessed. When she recruits two young exorcists (Simon Quarterman and Evan Helmuth) to cure her mom using unconventional methods combining both science and religion, they come face-to-face with pure evil in the form of four powerful demons possessing Maria.
1/13 Don’t Go in the Woods
A young band heads to the woods to get away from their everyday lives in order to focus on writing new songs. Hoping to walk away from the trip with new tunes that will score them their big break, they instead find themselves in the middle of a nightmare beyond comprehension.
Beyond comprehension? Really? The band runs out of weed?
1/13 The Divide
In this graphic and violent, post-apocalyptic thriller, nine strangers—all tenants of a New York high rise apartment—escape a nuclear attack by hiding out in the building’s bunker-like basement. Trapped for days underground with no hope for rescue, and only unspeakable horrors awaiting them on the other side of the bunker door, the group begins to descend into madness, each turning on one another with physical and psycho-sexual torment. As supplies dwindle, and tensions flare, and they grow increasingly unhinged by their close quarters and hopelessness, each act against one another becomes more depraved than the next. While everyone in the bunker allows themselves to be overcome by desperation and lose their humanity, one survivor holds onto a thin chance for escape even with no promise of salvation on the outside.
1/20 Underworld Awakening
Kate Beckinsale, star of the first two films, returns in her lead role as the vampire warrioress Selene, who escapes imprisonment to find herself in a world where humans have discovered the existence of both Vampire and Lycan clans, and are conducting an all-out war to eradicate both immortal species.
The Wicker Tree 1/27
Director Robin Hardy revisits his 1974 cult classic The Wicker Man with this related horror film concerning a cowboy (Henry Garrett) and a gospel singer (Brittania Nicol) who stop in Ireland on a missionary excursion only to come in contact with an aristocrat (Graham McTavish) whose nefarious plans don’t include being reformed by their Christian ways. Christopher Lee returns for a small role in this semi-sequel.
2/3 The Innkeepers “Official” Fister Roboto Must See Film (my review)
After over one hundred years of service, The Yankee Pedlar Inn is shutting its doors for good. The last remaining employees -Claire (Sara Paxton) and Luke (Pat Healy) – are determined to uncover proof of what many believe to be one of New England’s most haunted hotels. As the Inn’s final days draw near, odd guests check in as the pair of minimum wage “ghost hunters” begin to experience strange and alarming events that may ultimately cause them to be mere footnotes in the hotel’s long unexplained history.
2/3 The Woman in Black
A young lawyer travels to a remote village where he discovers the vengeful ghost of a scorned woman is terrorizing the locals.
Three high school students make an incredible discovery, leading to their developing uncanny powers beyond their understanding. As they learn to control their abilities and use them to their advantage, their lives start to spin out of control, and their darker sides begin to take over.
3/9 Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters takes place 15 years after the siblings’ incident at the gingerbread house. The two are now specialized bounty hunters looking to put down the cackling black-hat set.
For the record, this looks super lame. Just mail me a check for ten bucks instead of seeing it.
Apparently their is no official trailer yet, even though it was filmed nearly a year ago, so here’s a cool video of Steven Seagal before he started selling Aikido incense. Ass or not = total bad ass.
While digging into their town’s infamous past, a group of high school students unwittingly unlock an even darker secret. Now, an evil spirit has been awakened and will stop at nothing to find his true heir.
3/9 Silent House
Sarah returns with her father and uncle to fix up the family’s longtime summerhouse after it was violated by squatters in the off-season. As they work in the dark, Sarah begins to hear sounds from within the walls of the boarded-up building. Although she barely remembers the place, Sarah senses the past may still haunt the home.
The Cabin in the Woods. Thanks, Joss. I love you, man.
The Cabin in the Woods” storyline provides a new twist on a classic scenario — in this case the young-people-stranded-in-the-woods horror trope. Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford will play white-collar co-workers with a mysterious connection to the cabin.
4/20 Scary Movie 5 – Gentleman start your bongs.
There isn’t a synopsis for this, so hey, look at Anna Faris.