I try to report the news as little as possible, no one really gives a shit about celebs and their attention-whoring lifestyles – no one cool any way. Well, today lefthandhorror.com feels compelled to warn our loyal fans and humanity as a whole that Nickelback’s “singer”, Chad Kroeger, and fellow Canadian “rocker/bad girl”, Avril Lavigne, have announced their engagement.
Let that sink in for a minute. Cool? Begin panicking.
Local Canadians outside the Chad Kroeger Remedial Guitar Playing Institute in Quebec as they first heard the news
These celebri-tards met six months ago while Chad was, ahem, while Chad was *cough* co-writing a song for Lavigne’s next album of complex and endearing songs. If you haven’t read the bible, here is a something to be concerned about, and I quote:
“One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls came and said to me, “Come, I will show you the punishment of the great prostitute, who sits by many waters. With her the kings of the earth committed adultery, and the inhabitants of the earth were intoxicated with the wine of her adulteries.”
Then the angel carried me away in the Spirit into a wilderness. There I saw a woman sitting on a scarlet beast that was covered with blasphemous names and had seven heads and ten horns. The woman was dressed in purple and scarlet, and was glittering with gold, precious stones and pearls. She held a golden cup in her hand, filled with abominable things and the filth of her adulteries. The name written on her forehead was a mystery: Babylon the great, the mother of prostitutes and of the abominations of the earth..”
The Book of Revelation 17
So, everyone on board? What does this unholy union mean? For starters it means a few things.
- More media coverage of the unholy pair
- Music written by the unholy pair
- The end of the word as we know it
- They might tour together
This pretty much makes Y2K, The Mayans, WW3, and the end of the world seem like a day at the spa. If anyone needs me, I’ll be locked in the secret Fister Roboto Safe Room where I’ll be praying and pouring hot lead in my ears as I anticipate the end of the world as we know it. Tell your loved ones how you feel today – there might not be a tomorrow.
Love, your pal,