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Why Nickelback Sucks…As Explained by an 80 Year Old Dude

Article by Fister Roboto of lefthandhorror.com

Anyone that knows me, is sure of one thing: that I’m awesome. Okay, anyone that knows me, is sure of a second thing: I EFFING HATE NICKELBACK. People always ask why I hate them so much. It’s a complex question that deserves a thoughtful response. Here’s a short list followed by some videos explaining my position.

  • Generic as hell. Seriously, someone, ANYONE, tell me ONE original thing about them.
  • I hate them. I hate everything about them, and I assure you that is a legit reason.
  • Modern rock. You know what modern rock is? A category reserved for stuff not really metal, not alternative, and generally just too lame to be considered actual hard rock. Here are some examples.  Nickelback, Cinder, Puddle of Mudd, Creed, Shinedown, Staind, Buckcherry, etc, etc.
  • Song lyrics. While people give me shit over some of the lyrics Phish come up with, they can be admittedly silly, at least they have a meaning. At least their music isn’t about getting laid or being a rockstar.
  • Being a rockstar. No real musician considers themselves a rockstar. Oh, some douche in Three Doors Down does? He’s on my list. Professional musicians are just that, not rockstars. KISS were rockstars. While not being much better than Nickelback, bands like KISS, The Rolling Stones, Led Zep, etc were rockstars. In the 70’s and 80’s life was different, deal with it.
  • Attitude. I have never seen or heard an intelligent word of advice or perceived intelligence from these thoughtful scholars. They think they are awesome.
  • Don’t cite their popularity or album sales. Americans will buy any homogenized, sterile, lifeless, idiotic product that is even remotely packaged and advertised in a positive light. Popular music is generally, and I mean that, generally loaded with the biggest bunch of bullshit you can imagine. Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, New Kids on the Block, or bands from any era can be mass-produced and sculpted to take on the marketable traits of anything a promoter or producer wants, and it’s been going on since the first wave of trendy music first landed.

Holier than thou? Maybe. Right? Certainly. What would you find the most of in my music collection? Frank Zappa. A sober living man who wanted nothing more than to learn his craft as expertly as possible. Being a musician of intelligence, Frank could also call a shitty band a thousand miles way. People thought he was weird, a druggie, and generally only know of him because he gave his kids silly names.

If I’ve personally offended you, I apologize if it feels personal; it isn’t, I promise. I can never respect a “serious” band that starts a song with the lyric “I like your pants around your feet”. Just seeing Chad Kroeger makes me mad. I’m a little puzzled by one guy in NB though, their drummer, Daniel Adair. The dude is great. Does that mean I appreciate some hard to find technically proficient NB song? …. Really? No, it means I’ve seen him perform at drum clinics, drum solos, etc. Even one-armed Def Leppard drummer, Rick Allen, must think their constant 4/4 music is boring and HE HAS ONE ARM.

I’ve ranted here and I feel better. :) Now, here’s an elderly dude explaining why Nickelback sucks so much. In the spirit of this article, I’ve included several anti-Nickelback videos.

Enjoy, kids!

XOXO

Nate

And finally to cleanse the palette, here is my personal hero off all time, Mr. Frank Zappa performing the instrumental “Black Napkins” way back from 10.28.76.

Side note: He’s playing with The Mike Douglas Orchestra. You have to feel very young or very dated right now. ;)

About Fister Roboto (2166 Articles)
My horror boner lasted longer than four hours and I never called a physician. Original bassist for Creed.

17 Comments on Why Nickelback Sucks…As Explained by an 80 Year Old Dude

  1. Whahahha! Good for you and great explanation! I still like Chad Kroeger and love Nickelback’s music..hehehehe

  2. I believe this may be my favorite post on the entire website!

    • It’s hard to argue with LOGIC.

      Nice that you chose the “sexy librarian” pic. Did you just realize most of our viewers were guys? ;)

      • Lol, yes! I thought that may be a good way to attract some attention. Should have done it sooner :-)

    • NotGonnaTell // October 8, 2012 at 4:18 pm // Reply

      Heeeelllo!

      • Fister Roboto // October 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm //

        lol Seriously.

  3. I love nickelback and i always will!!and all of you can go hate on someone else!!

  4. Thanks for chiming in, Guest. While we appreciate your zeal, we’re content to proactively keep “hating” on them because they’re the worst band of all time. Everyone gets a free pro-Nickelback comment, then we ban your IP address for eternity.

  5. Dick Goesinya // March 26, 2013 at 12:33 am // Reply

    Picklesac is the sound the toilet makes after they shit in it and flushed the industry with their flurry of turd riffs.
    If anyone likes them, they are aiding and abetting the destruction of the industry, and probably admire rave d.j. s
    Internet radio can kiss my ass, right after Licklesac. Bring back the record industry!

    • Amen! Don’t be part of the problem!

  6. I’m with you in pretty much everything you wrote, and if you’re serious about it and have an iPhone or iPad, you should check out the “Party Monster” app and its “Settings” screen :)

    • I feel like I have to check this out now. Thanks for the tip, man!

  7. Hey a lot of us Americans hate them too. I hate them just as much as you do if not more. Probably more

    • Anyone that hates them more than me has a friend in Fister Roboto. Hate on, sister!

  8. Wait what? Led Zep and the Rolling Stones are by far and away much, much better than Nickelback. Especially Led Zeppelin. KISS is pretty meh for me though. They are not exceptional in any way.
    Otherwise, I do agree. Nickelback is the musical equivalent of chewing cardboard. The fact that they’re famous is testimony to the public’s unfathomable love of bland, nonthreatening…well “music” doesn’t describe them. “Sound”….”noises” perhaps, but they aren’t talented enough to be labeled “musical”. I think I hate that they are famous more than I hate the band itself.

  9. Jonathan P Russo // April 22, 2014 at 2:13 pm // Reply

    So yeah nickleback, i can say when i was a dumb teenager i liked them and the i slowly grew out of it. thankfully. now i listen to better bands that people never talk about and i feel just fine for it.

  10. OUTSTANDING!!!!!

4 Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Why Nickelback Sucks…As Explained by an 80 Year Old Dude « OGR
  2. Grizzly Links: Ron Swanson, Baby Goose, and Why Nickleback Sucks! « The Grizzly Bomb
  3. Breaking News: Nickelback Learns a Fourth Chord! | Fister Roboto
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