Article by FisterRoboto of lefthandhorror.com

Written by Gustavo Hernandez

Directed by Chris Kentis and Laura Lau

Starring Elizabeth Olsen

Trapped inside her family’s lakeside retreat, a young woman finds she is unable to contact the outside world as events become increasingly ominous in and around the house.

or..

Trapped inside her family’s lakeside retreat, a younger, hotter Olsen sister finally takes her coat and scarf off, revealing some impressive boobs crammed into a tight, white shirt. During the remainder of the film, every shot is designed around her marvelous tits.

I was legitimately excited to see Silent House. The whole continuous shot aspect seemed ambitious and I thought this might be a shoe in. What I got instead was 88 minutes of disjointed nonsense. Seriously, guys. this movie is terrible in new ways.

So, Sarah, (Olsen) is a seemingly normal kid who finds herself at the family’s retreat home as her dad and uncle work to get the property ready to sell. The power is out and of course no cell signal works. Ominous, huh? We watch Sarah interact with her dad and uncle, everything seems to be going normally. You feel a little anxious knowing things can take a horror turn at any second, but things are still pretty chill.

Confused and carrying a lantern…also, boobs.

Sarah’s childhood friend, Sophia, stops by after not seeing Sarah for many years. Sarah feels awkward as Sophia hugs her, touches her hair, and just generally makes everything uncomfortable. Even after being such a creeper, Sarah invites her to stop by the summer home later. What happens next is some of the most ambiguous and arbitrary feeling horror build ups ever filmed.

Something is clearly happening. Someone ELSE is in the house now. Sarah finds her dad bloody and unconscious on the floor. Someone is definitely in the house, but who? The house is dark, forcing Olsen to hold a flashlight next to her amble bosom for the next grueling 45 minutes. While her boobs are heaving and clearly defined, the plot continues to move on to even more confusing places.

Is that my dress, Mary Kate??

While I was originally excited to see this continuous shot thing, it wore out its welcome quickly. It adds nothing to the already rapidly bombing plot. There doesn’t seem to be any real benefit to filming it this way. The longer this movie went on, the more I wondered what basic benefit even filming this movie had. Olsen is good at looking terrified, and there are some very tense moments, all punctuated by those illuminated boobs I mentioned before.

In the end we find out that Sarah is suddenly remembering that her dad and uncle raped her and took Polaroids of her in the lakeside home. There is no real Sophia, and guess what? Sarah is the violent home intruder and has basically lost her shit. Did you catch that? I assure you that me having seen this actual movie gives me no real advantage over you as a casual article reader.

Silent House is thrown together with some kind of weird logic that the audience will somehow understand why this craziness is going on. Hey, we’re a family and working on our home, everything seems cool, no, wait, it turns out the kid was raped and photographed wearing a pink tutu ten years ago, may as well lose it and go on a murderous rampage.

Remember The Uninvited? I called it the dumbest movie ever made. I think I jumped the gun here, because Silent House has the same stupid ending where the perceived victim is really the killer and just doesn’t realize it. Yeah, seriously. This movie is to be avoided at all costs. Unless you just have to see every horror flick that comes down the pike; there’s nothing to see here. Complete and utter nonsense in one long shot.